What is the first thing an abuser will threaten their victim with? A gag order.
Don't tell anyone or else...
Stop talking about it or else...
If you're a victim, you know this scenario all too well. It's the go-to tactic to hush the courageous.
And it works. Especially if your abuser has money to use the legal system as a weapon.
Oddly enough, as I'm writing this blog, I have been threatened and hushed multiple times for telling my story. It has even reached a point to where I don't talk about it much anymore. In fact, I hardly talk about my abuse at all.
Yes, I've been silenced. Out of fear of losing my kids, being sued, or being hurt... I have been silenced.
Here is what I CAN do though. I can talk about YOUR story. I can share the many stories that have come to my attention over the last two years. I can share stories from other victims on social media. I can speak for the moms and dads who are ordered by the courts to cooperate when their teenage children are being ripped from their homes and sent to reunification camps with their abusive parent (yes that's really happening). #justiceformayaandsabastian #alienationindustry @onemomsbattle #followthemoney
If you are a victim, I hear you. I see you. And I'm telling your story. I may not be able to tell mine, but no one can stop me from telling yours!
The abuse, the hushing, the threats have to stop. And the only way to hold these monsters accountable is to OUT them. Make it known that their behavior is not ok.
Here are three tips to work around your abuser's silencing tactics:
CONTROL YOUR REACTIONS! - The most important thing I can tell you is to control your emotions and reactions. I know you want to scream and yell and let out your anger and fear, but you have to save that for your pillow at home. Any kind of reaction you give that they can see or record will be used against you. And did you know that breaking marital assets in anger is a "criminal mischief" charge? Yup, that goes on your record and they can have you arrested just by saying they "don't feel safe" with you there. That tacks on a Domestic Violence charge and they can get an emergency protection order against you. Interesting right?
KNOW THE LAW! - They will threaten you with all kinds of demands and statements that will have you worrying and scrambling. Know exactly what you are obligated to provide for them, and exactly what you are entitled to. Check with your state on specifics and if you can afford one, consult a lawyer. If not, call A Woman's Place in Greeley for some financial and legal suggestions. Also, onemomsbattle.com has great resources on documentation, legalities, and the yellow rock method of communication.
DON'T TRUST THE POLICE! - I know that one is a bit weird. Don't get me wrong, I love law enforcement officers, and I hold a special place in my heart for them. My uncle Troy was a Police Officer in Florida and he died in the line of duty. I'm not saying you can't trust the individual as a person, but I am saying that you can't trust the legal system they are governed under, or the lack of education they receive around narcissistic abuse. They have no idea who to believe when you have a disagreement. They are most likely going to believe the one that is calm. Never tell on yourself for anything. Just say the least amount possible, stay calm, and remember that they have no idea who the bad guy is. They are trying to figure that out.
I know sometimes when my kids have scuffles and I ask what happened, I get two very different stories. It's impossible to know who is actually telling the truth, so you either have to have them both in trouble, or believe the one that usually has the most calm and truthful history or demeanor. It's the same thing with the police. They have no clue who is telling the truth. They are just trying to fit the puzzle pieces together.
I had an incident where I was trying to protect someone, and the person under investigation told lies about me to shift the attention away from themselves. The police officer told me something that had me terrified for the victim's life and I started crying on the phone with the officer. That same police officer then reported that I "Lost my shit" and that I had a history of mental health issues, and was probably manipulating the situation and making up lies to get what I wanted out of the circumstances. Well, the officer would not have even known that I struggled with my mental health unless someone told her that, and played into that story, painting a false narrative to go with my reaction in order to get the officer on their side.
And It Worked. It didn't matter that nothing that was told to her was true. She believed it. All based on my reaction.
I was told by a security expert never to think that the police are trying to help you.
Again, not saying don't trust the person behind the badge. They are probably great and have great intentions. But you can't trust the process or the situation because it's impossible for them to see the big picture.
Moral of the story... stay calm, stay quiet, and know your rights.
As a victim, you will be silenced. There's no way around that. I even know women who have been ordered to turn over their social media accounts and delete them entirely. I know women who have been ordered not to talk to their children or ANYONE about abuse that their child is telling them is happening. These parents are being arrested if they try to advocate for their children or shelter them from the abusive parent.
This is beyond silenced. For more on this topic, visit onemomsbattle.com and follow them on instagram at @onemomsbattle
Until then, message me anonymously. I have resources that can help you, and I have your voice. I will tell your story loud and clear. I love you, I see you, and I'll help you Reclaim your Sparkle.